Don’t get me wrong, we’ve come a long way in this world, but most women know it’s still not completely equal, and some of it has to do with our inner dialog. We are accustomed to making ourselves smaller and easier to handle so we can move through the world more easily, but life is never easy.
If you read my welcome post, you know I was a teacher for four years. I worked in a reasonably low SES school district, and we struggled to have enough programs to meet our students’ needs. I will get into specifics someday, but that’s not the point of this post! The point is that I’ve seen and done some things that will forever change the way I see the world and I’m forever grateful. When this school year started, I made a post on Facebook about not going back and being thankful for the good times yada yada and then I said “Abe has been a trooper through all the sleepless nights worrying about my kids to even bringing one home with me, as a foster.”
What is wrong with that?
Nothing per se, but saying he had been a trooper for just being supportive sounds like it was a very large job. Now that is not to say that bringing home a foster child wasn’t a big ask, it was, but I knew what I meant when I posted it. I meant that I took up space, I had a lot of feelings about it, and I was sorry that I inconvenienced him a ton over the past 4 years. Was Abe supportive, yes. Was he caring, involved, and picked up the slack when I didn’t have all 50% to give? Absolutely! Saying he was a trooper implies it was like a war zone in my house and it certainly wasn’t that. Our words mean something. The way we talk about ourselves and to ourselves means something.
I stayed up all night worrying about how to help my kids. I called DCS. I helped students file police reports against their abusers. I helped get them clothes and food when they needed it. I provided services. I wrote legally binding service plans. I called parents. I sat on porches with grandparents crying and hoping their child would be successful. I drove families when their cars were broken down. I helped to try and put families in contact with the appropriate government agency. I held them while they grieved the loss of their parents/ spouse.
I gave him some of the credit for all my hard work, and it was more of an apology than a thank you. The whole time I was teaching he got a ton of praise for making meals, packing my lunches and making sure we had clean underwear. All things I appreciated very much (and let him know), but I don’t get the same praise for the same things from others when having the same conversation. I talk my husband up constantly because he deserves it and he recognizes when things are imbalanced and course corrects, but I would be lying if it didn’t get under my skin the way all our friends and family gush about how thoughtful he is for taking out the trash without being asked.
When we talked about my post Abe said that supporting and listening to me talk about my job is just the bare minimum. It was an extra emotionally draining career, but there is no reason to apologize for it. If roles were reversed, I wouldn’t have thought twice about it. What we put out into the world becomes our reality and it is the bare minimum to be loved well and treated like you matter. You do matter. Your interests are important. The people around you should want to support you even during the hard things. It is okay to take up as much space as you need. PERIOD. Okay, see ya, love ya, bye!
Hunting for Healing 